Permission to Grieve: When A Miscarriage Occurs

Miscarriage. No one ever believes that it will happen to them. But unfortunately,  up to 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. It is a silent pain for most women. One that most people never even see. But the pain is real, and cannot – should not – be ignored. One of our friend’s has shared her raw and very personal story of miscarriage. Perhaps you need, as she did, the permission to grieve a child that you will never hold.

All my life I couldn’t wait to get married and have children. I always knew I was going to have 4 kids: 2 boys and 2 girls. So, when I met my husband and he felt the same way, I couldn’t wait to start our family. Of course, our plan was to get married, find good jobs, have a place to live . . . and then we would start building the rest of the family.

Things didn’t go as planned.  About seven months into our marriage, we looked at the 2 lines of a pregnancy test and realized someone was going to join us in his/her own time. Wow! Pregnant? Really? We were still so young!! Yet, we were excited about a baby being part of our lives. It was fun to tell our parents, though a little nerve-wracking at the same time. They were happy for us.

Life continued as normal, except that I knew I was carrying a little baby in my womb. We were so happy. But then, one Tuesday morning while at work, I began to have some spotting.  I had heard that some women experience spotting, so I tried to keep cool. My husband and I talked to some people, called the doctor and were told to just to take it easy.

By end of the week, things were worse. The bleeding got heavier and heavier, and then the pain began. It got so intense that we decided to go to the hospital. I honestly don’t know if it was simply ignorance, but I had no idea that a miscarriage could be so painful. I laid there in the Emergency Room, bleeding, hurting, and definitely having contractions. I can’t even remember if they gave me anything for the pain, but it was bad. My husband held my hand as I cried and cried for I knew we were not going to hold our baby on this side of heaven. Every time we had visited the doctor I had imagined our trip to the hospital to deliver our first born, but it didn’t happen the way I imagined.

Here I was at 12 weeks of pregnancy, delivering but under very different circumstances. No one tells you how painful a miscarriage can be. The pain didn’t stop after the D & C, because then a new kind of pain began – the pain in my heart. Everywhere I went, it seemed there was a pregnant woman. People who knew what had happened often said things like, “You’ll have another one. You are still young.  Don’t cry.” I know they meant well, but these words hurt. I had lost a child, my first child. I didn’t want another one, I wanted that one.  Then my sister said something that helped my journey to healing. She said, “It’s ok to cry. You lost a child.”

Finally, someone understood that I was in pain. Someone encouraged me to grieve.

A miscarriage is difficult. You feel like you did something wrong, or there is something wrong with you.  We need to be gentle with women and their partners when they experience a miscarriage.  If you or someone you know has experience miscarriage, Advice & Aid Pregnancy Centers’ Awakenings Program may be for you. This program helps women who have experienced infant loss.  Call our office (913-962-0200)and ask for Kelly.

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