April is national Abortion Recovery Awareness month, so we wanted to share with you one woman’s story of abortion, and how she moved toward releasing the regret and guilt that often accompanies an abortion. While every woman’s story is different, there are aspects to her story that perhaps you can relate to.
I met him at a local mall. He was older than me, not by much, but old enough to have a car. He was as confused about life as I was. Both of us were looking for all the wrong things that we thought were right or at least what we wanted to be right.
I’m really not sure why I sought the approval of him or sought his attention. I don’t really think it was about love. I had a great family, a mom and dad who were together, a church we attended, and the things I needed. Maybe I was just flattered …. maybe I was just trying to keep up with what was going on around me. Everybody else had boyfriends, and I thought that having a boyfriend made you a somebody instead of a nobody. Maybe I just wanted to fit in and feel important.
I knew I was pregnant. I didn’t need a test. I had taken the class in school so I knew the signs. The hardest part was that, by the time I knew, he had already moved on. What would I do?
There was a part of me that was excited. I loved babies and there was a part of me that already wanted the best for him or her …. eat right, get enough sleep, wear my seat belt.
But how in the world would this work? Do I drop out of school or do I try to manage both baby and school? What about managing baby, school, AND a job? What would people say? People I respected like teachers, friends, church members, my family, event my parents. Do I move away? Do I find a home for unwed mothers? What about the things I would have to give up, like school activities, my social life, dreams, and goals. If I’m going to be doing this alone, then what about the time and stress of it all. How do I go about getting child support? How do I pay for all of this? There would diapers, clothes, medical bills, formula, and things I hadn’t even anticipated.
What about adoption? How do I give up a piece of myself?
I eventually told my mom. barely started the conversation and it was like she already knew what I was going to say. Saddened, disappointed, angry, fearful; these were just a few of her emotions.
Not wanting to endure the hardship of people knowing, not even my dad, my mother turned to the idea of abortion. Quick, easy and painless; at least that is how it is promoted.
I went to an abortion clinic in Overland Park and met with a counselor. They confirmed that I was pregnant and we scheduled an abortion date.
I remember the day before my abortion having the cash to pay for it in my hands (several hundreds of dollars) and thinking I should just run away. I didn’t want to have the abortion, but I didn’t see any other way. I had bought into the lie that this was the best way out of my situation.
The day of my abortion is kind of a blur. I do remember thinking I was surprised at how many women were there in the waiting room with me. We were grouped into fours together with females our own age. One of the girls in my group was there for her 3rd abortion. She seemed kind of callous to the whole situation. I opted to be sedated, not wanting to remember anything. My next memory is waking up in the recovery room, where I eventually got up, got dressed and left.
Life moves on; at least that is how it is promoted.
I spent the next year or so convincing myself it was the right decision. I lied to my friends who knew I was pregnant, and told them the doctors had found something wrong with the baby and he/she wasn’t going to live anyway. I wrote a paper in support of abortion in my English class. I got back into school activities reminding myself I wouldn’t have been able to do these things had I not gotten the abortion.
Looking back now, I would change so many things. The first thing I would change was to not have put myself in the situation to get pregnant to begin with. The reality is that once you are pregnant, you have three choices and all three will leave a mark on your life. The second thing I would change is that I would never have had the abortion. But I now understand God’s ability to reach into our messes and redeem them.
Releasing the regret and guilt has been a journey. I can regret my choice, but I don’t have to live in the pain of it. I no longer sit in the sadness. I am free, I can breathe, I can release even this…..
Here is what I have done to release the mark of my regret and guilt…..
– I confessed my sin – Psalm 32:5 “I acknowledged my sin to Thee, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord;” and Thou didst forgive the guilt of my sin”
– I have sought the Lord’s forgiveness and all that goes with it – Psalm 51
– I beat back any lies from the enemy with the truth of scripture, knowing that I am blessed (Romans 4:7-8)
I am not condemned – Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Thank you for Your truth that shows me that I have sinned. Thank you for your forgiveness that sets me free. Protect me from the lies of Satan; may I hear Your voice clearly. In Jesus Name, Amen
If abortion is a part of your past, it unfortunately doesn’t always stay in your past. Regret, guilt, depression – these are all common symptoms of post-abortion. It doesn’t matter if it was 2 weeks ago, 2 years ago, or 20 years ago. They can all rear their ugly heads at any time.
But you don’t have to face these alone. We have women on staff here who have been through what you are experiencing. They know what you are going through and can help you get through this in a warm, non-judgmental environment. This is your safe place.
Feel free to call our office at 913.962.0200 and ask for Kelli. She is ready to talk with you and start you on a path to healing!